Sentimental Truths
by arisaswordheart
Summary: Thoughts from Edward and Bella in New Moon. Warning: May be slightly depressing. [Review? Please?]
1. Better Than Me

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**Sentimental Truths**

**Chapter 1: Better Than Me**

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Author's Notes:** WARNING. You may find this **severely depressing** – and no, I am not depressed, I have no idea how it turned out this way. 

I find myself extremely empathetic to Edward (maybe Bella's as well) emotions of pain and so that's what I write about mostly – whether it be depressing or not. Maybe I should write about happy stuff from now on…

And I haven't ever experienced heartbreak either, if you're wondering if this is from experience. I'm not very social anyway…

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Disclaimer:** I don't own it still. One can wish, but I don't have a genie. 

**Song:** Better Than Me – Hinder

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I think you can do much better than me  
After all the lies I made you believe

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I had lied to her, _lied_.

I had told her I didn't want her.

How could I have done that? How? When I told her I hadn't loved her …

That was the very blackest kind of blasphemy.

Yet it had to be done – done to keep her safe. Without our presence, Bella would be safe.

After all, all that had happened so far had been the result of us. Firstly it had been James and the second time, Jasper. I didn't blame Jasper – I couldn't – I had to face it – both times it had been my fault.

If I hadn't thoughtlessly brought Bella to the game, she obviously wouldn't have been hunted as James wouldn't have had the chance to smell her and decide to hunt her down. I should have refused to let her watch – or refused to play altogether.

Which was more important – games or my love?

The second time, I had put her at risk – not only from others – but also from my very own family. I could not blame Jasper, his old way of life was still too fresh and all human blood tasted the same to him. No, if Bella had gone to any other friend's house, a paper cut would not have concerned them, she wouldn't have been pushed into a stack of glass plates, and she wouldn't have been placed directly in the line of death.

It had woken me up to the true dangers me and my family possessed in itself.

The fact that she had still wanted me with her although she would always be in danger with me – that was miraculous.

And I had simply pushed her away – whether it was regretful or not.

She deserved better.

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I told myself I wouldn't miss you  
But I remembered  
What it feels like beside you  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me

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Nomatter how much I tried to, I knew I wouldn't be able to forget her – nevermind the photographic memory of our kind. Whatever distractions wouldn't help either.

As if anything could distract me from that pain.

I remembered still – very clearly – her scent, her appearance, and her voice. Every detail about her was so clear. Every memory since the day I met her – flawless in its clarity.

I had hated her initially – hated her for being like my own personal demon. I didn't want to disappoint Carlisle, but it had never been so hard to stop myself from killing everyone and sinking my teeth into her to drink her blood.

How could I hate her now? Such a thought was impossible.

How glad I was I had reigned myself in.

I hadn't wanted to let her go, but it was for the better. A better world for her, even if this pain which threatened me was so very intense.

Bella deserved better. She deserved a normal life – a life without the constant danger.

Not only did she deserve a better life though. I had told her that she wasn't good for me right after I had said I wasn't good for her, but I was right the first time. She deserved someone else – someone who was better than me.

I could kill her at any time. I didn't want that to happen.

I was not good for her.

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I found those pictures  
That you were looking for

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The pictures – especially the pictures. I had stared at them for some time – dreading what I needed to do. Then I had hidden them under the floorboards along with the plane tickets and the CD.

I knew it was wrong of me to do it – oh, I knew.

But I couldn't stand to leave no reminder of myself in that room. A reminder that once I was in her life and a message to Bella that, if she ever found it one day, she would – or perhaps _may_ be able to – understand.

As much as I had hated the thought of Bella being with someone else, at least the one and only evidence of my existence will live on under Bella's floorboards.

And I hoped that one day, she would find them – even if she had moved on – and she would be able to look back and smile about the time we had.

Just a memory.

_It will be as if I never existed._

As if it had never happened.

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I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me

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Because Bella deserved so much more.

What had to be done … had to be done.

I had done all I could, the rest was up to her.

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Author's Notes:** Oh, I don't actually like this very much, but I was so very inspired – even if it didn't come out the right way. 

How melancholy such a piece… I need to think of something happy now…

Hmm… **Review?** I haven't actually used lyrics before – I don't even know that many songs!

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	2. Misery

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**Sentimental Truths**

**Chapter 2: Misery**

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Author's Notes:** This would have worked alternatively with Edward – but I've had enough of Edward's misery for the time being… 

It doesn't quite work in some places, which I hope you will forgive me.

Last note – I haven't edited this, so I don't really like it all that much.

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Disclaimer:** No genies still, so no, not mine. 

**Song:** Misery – Good Charlotte

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No one here has a clue,  
What you're feeling.  
Don't feel bad,  
Keep your sadness alive.

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_Bella_

They couldn't understand my pain – that was true.

It wasn't as if someone had just left – and that was true enough, it wasn't as if, a whole family had left – but as if someone had died.

As if _I_ had died.

My whole future had been swept away, just like that. All my expectations, hopes, dreams – all gone with the saying of just a few words.

_I don't want you to come with us._

The voice was cold and as flat as ever in my memories.

I stared at him. _You don't want me?_

_No._

They didn't understand, but it wasn't their fault, in a way. They hadn't known about the… Cullens. They hadn't known what they were or what the future – my future – had been so close to being.

The feeling wasn't just pain, there was numbness as well – some sort of unrelenting stubbornness which wouldn't accept the truth.

And then there was the misery.

Over many things. Firstly, over what had happened – that's where there was also pain. Over the future – nearly the same deal – and over the loss too, of not only a lover, but also two sisters (even if one didn't exactly like me), two brothers, a mother and a father. When you looked at it that way, the misery and the pain were pretty much interconnected – almost undistinguishable from each other.

I didn't want to forget him though – even though it hurt so much. I even shoved the memories away, hiding them, but the thought still lingered in my mind.

The sadness and pain didn't – and probably wouldn't ever – die. It would remain alive.

Almost forever.

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Don't you know,  
That misery loves company?  
Yeah I heard,  
That misery is looking for me.  
Happiness, a place you don't  
know if you know me.  
Yeah I heard,  
That misery comes looking for me.

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_Bella_

My social life had gone to the dogs, I knew that. I lived life like a zombie – a good one, mind, not like the one in that movie with Jessica – and did everything perfectly and as I was told.

A model student – but not one alive.

Jacob's company eased some of the pain and misery – that was true too – and I could laugh for the first time in quite a while, but I still didn't fully embrace the happiness. The reminder of my heartbreak still lingered in the background, threatening to swamp me whenever my sun wasn't around.

Those feelings had an uncanny knack of knowing where I would be and overran me with pain and grief so that, very often, I fought to keep myself 'together'.

Even with Jacob to ease some of my sadness, I wouldn't be whole still.

I would probably never be whole again.

_Edward_

I stayed away, away from people who knew what was happening and were trying to understand what I was going through.

Did they understand?

I knew Jasper probably would and that was partially the reason why I had left, to spare _his_ pain from the strength of mine. Another was that I couldn't stand for them to see me this way – even if their company might have been welcome. I didn't want their pity either though.

I would probably never know happiness again – just like I would never know love again. Bella would be – and was – the one I loved, continued to love and would always love.

I let the misery swamp me.

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Misery's my company.  
Misery is looking for me.

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Author's Note:** Alright, I'm stopping before this becomes any more depressing. Besides, I can't think of anything to write – I'm getting very confused over the lyrics. Trying to make them match well isn't working as well as I might have hoped. 

Still, I hope it conveyed the right stuff.

**Review** – even if it is to whinge.

I am NOT continuing this – it's too depressing!!

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